


Fun-sized Candy

by Hexes



Category: Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Ant-man’s shrink science, Blushing Bruce Banner, Comic Book Science, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, I Wrote This On My Phone, M/M, No actual sex, no beta we die like men, persnickety Peter Parker, shrink tech, unsatisfactory ending, vague allusions to age play, wanton Wade Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26291311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hexes/pseuds/Hexes
Summary: Wade can't help but push a button with a note on it to leave it alone. Peter is deeply annoyed. Bruce has no idea how to deal with this.Un-beta'dRating is for sexual talk, and potentially triggering elements.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Kudos: 56





	Fun-sized Candy

Frankly, it wasn't _surprising_ that he'd wound up… shrunk. This was, after all, him, and his accursed Parker Luck, and it was, of course, Wade fucking Wilson, the hand of Deus ex Machina. 

And so here they were. 

Stuck. 

Short. 

Annoyed. 

Or, at least, _he_ was. And Wade thought this was, as he so eloquently put it, “the bee's knees”. Peter glared balefully up at a Wade. An obnoxiously long way up, too, as Peter had lost at least a foot and a few inches of height. He crossed his arms and huffed, cutting a furious glance at the smoking pile of rubbish that had once had a Post-It from Ant-Man saying “do not touch”. 

“Wade,” he began, pinching the bridge of his nose, “we sho-”

“We should go to the amusement park and get you a kid's ticket!” Wade sounded positively overjoyed by this prospect. Peter's jaw flexed just as indignantly as his pride. 

“Do I look like a child?” He hissed, eyes bright with venom. Wade stared back at him, his absurdly emotive mask pulled into a confused frown. 

“I mean… yeah, kinda. That's why you'd get the discounted ticket?” He sounded genuinely confused, too. Peter sighed. He really did love Wade, even if the man could be as dense as fucking neutron star. 

"Look. How about we table _that_ discussion for the moment." He glared at his shoes. It wasn't their fault, and, in fact, they had done him a solid in shrinking with him, so he wasn't swimming in his boots. He took a deep breath. 

"Let's just… let's see if we can find Bruce right quick, and then… we'll talk about the amusement park.' Wade squealed in delight and saluted, chirping "aye, cap'n!" before snatching up Peter's wrist and marching off in the vague direction of the lab. 

-_-

It's a wonder and a blessing that the ambient, nearly sentient, AI is so helpful. Creepy, too, but hey. It served to grease the wheels of getting this mess straightened out. Bruce is in one of the radiation labs, fiddling with particles when they walk in. He glanced up from his readings and blinked a few times. He glanced back at the readings. Sighs. Drops his head. He stands up and sets about pausing or discontinuing his experiment, shaking his head. Wade is uncharacteristically silent, and Peter fumes silently. 

"So…" Bruce begins, motioning them to follow, "I assume the Post-it wasn't sufficiently discouraging?" 

Wade snorts in affront, pressing his hands to his chest, his mask bunched up in indignation. 

"A big, shiny button like that?!" He gasps it like he can't quite breathe, "what was I _supposed_ to do?!"

"Not touch it," Peter offered, flatly, "like it said on the note."

"Really," Wade countered, now bemused, "what did anyone think would happen?"

Peter groaned, rolling his eyes. Bruce silently agreed with both sentiments. Really, what had Scott been thinking, leaving that unattended around Wade, Tony, Natasha, potentially Loki… he gestured at the two other heroes, leading them around the lab. 

They entered the exam room, and Bruce plopped gracelessly onto the stool, looking at the other two men, both of whom were pointedly silent. 

"So..?" He prompted. Peter looked livid. Wade looked abashed. Bruce sighed. "Wade touched the "do not touch" button, and Peter wound up... a bit short of adulthood?" Peter nodded, sighing, and Wade was eking toward the door. 

"Well. Not surprising, I suppose," he cut a sharp look at Wade who was now fiddling with a door handle. "We'll have to get this sorted out, somehow." Peter was nodding, Wade looked affronted again.

"I mean, we have to take advantage of this situation?" Wade sounded strangely rational, both Peter and Bruce staring at him in bemusement. "Like? Hello? Discount tickets at movies, cons, and amusement parks?"

"Don't you -" Bruce cast around for his thoughts and ways to express them, "think that's - a bit… weird?" He glanced at Peter who seemed to be practising meditative breathing. "And anyway, he may be short, but it would still be obvious that he's an adult?"

"Well. I mean. Not really. Put on a Pikachu hoodie and some Heelies and no one will really look twice," both Peter and Bruce sighed, deeply unsettled by how logical that sounds - perhaps not _reasonable_ , but unusually sound for Wade. Peter cut his gaze back to Bruce, gesturing in a vague but impatient manner. If he spent much more time listening to Wade wax logical, he was going to cave, and then he'd wind up spending thirty dollars on a pretzel and a soda while Wade gave him excruciatingly detailed history lessons on the origins and adaptations of Sleeping Beauty. Wade had turned his gaze back to Peter, his gargled-glass voice taking a particular smoky quality. 

"Do you know where your old glasses are?" He sauntered back toward Peter, quickly forgetting that Bruce was watching them. "I think you should wear the glasses," Wade was nearly purring, his head tilting down to look at Peter, "I _really_ like when you wear the glasses." He brushed a gloved hand over Peter's shoulder, an unmistakably lascivious smirk curling through his mask. 

"Right!" Bruce cut in, unwilling to sit through much more of the negotiation. "Let's get you into the lab, and, uh, run some tests." He got up without waiting for an answer, shuffling quickly toward the med lab. He wasn't quite on the verge of stuffing his fingers in his ears, but it was a near thing. Bruce gestured vaguely at one of the exam tables, making himself pointedly busy with collecting materials and devices. 

Peter sighed, deeply offended that Wade had to help him onto the table, as the other man clearly enjoyed it. Grumbling, he stripped down to his boxer briefs, flipping Wade off in response to the low whistle that accompanied the perfunctory motions. Bruce bustled over, shooing Wade off, and beginning to attach electrodes and setting up the equipment, running through the periodic table to distract himself from the little noises Wade huffed out every time Peter shifted around. 

"Okay," Bruce mumbled, "just going to look at your brain function quick, see if there's anything going on up there." He very much doubted that there _wasn't_ , but it was important to take things one step at a time. He shuffled back to his computer, ignoring the way Wade seemed to teleport to Peter's side. Really he ought to send the antihero out, as he'd certainly touch something he shouldn't, but Bruce had neither the heart nor the patience, to deal with a sulky Wade. He sat at the computer and powered up the machine. 

Wade had started fiddling with Peter's electrodes, though not severe enough to impact the readouts, and so Bruce lets them talk in what they no doubt think are very hushed tones. The readings track with his theory, and he sighs, trying to think about what to do next. He drums his fingers on the desk, glancing around the room, avoiding looking at Wade moving down the end of the exam table, clearly relishing how far up he has to drag his fingers to reach the soles of Peter's feet. Peter sighed deeply, holding up a hand and ticking numbers off his fingers:

"Couple things: One - No Poké-gear. I refuse. Two - _Yes_ on roller shoes," he paused glaring powerfully, "and three - If I wear the glasses, you'll want to fuck. And if we get caught fucking at the amusement park, you will most certainly get arrested."

Bruce choked, his brain grinding to a painful halt. He wished only that his ability to comprehend speech had abandoned him because almost before Peter was done speaking, Wade was whining. 

"Only if we get caught!" Wade wheezed, "It's just… those glasses all splattered with c-"

Bruce shot to his feet, sputtering as he tried to escape the lab in a flurry of papers and gibberish. “Excuse me - I think I left a Bunsen burner on, I… I'll just. Uh. Leave.” He rushed through the lab doors, blabbering about temperatures and timetables. Wade turned an extremely self-satisfied smile on Peter, a wheedling noise on his lips. Peter glowered back.

"Shut up!" Peter growled over Wade's whinging. "Shut. Up." Wade giggled in response, his eyebrows waggling suggestively

"I hate you right now!" Peter hissed, "with every inch of my being!" He had to _work_ with Bruce, Bruce who now knew that Peter's boyfriend liked it when he wore his old glasses while they had sex. He groaned, tearing off electrodes. Just fucking _perfect_. 

"Well," Wade began, in that strangely reasonable tone, which only further made Peter's mood darken, "luckily that's not a lot of inches!" Wade crowed happily, clapping his hands together in delight at Peter's dumbfounded expression. "Am I right, or am I right?" Peter flung a handful of electrodes at the other man, face scarlet with feelings. 

"I'm going to kill you, Wade Wilson!" Peter snapped, tugging on his tee-shirt haphazardly, suddenly desperate to be clothed, lest his boyfriend talks him into making inappropriate use of the exam table. In Stark Tower. With his co-worker in the other room. With the basically omniscient AI that was - _oh, god_. Peter gasped. It was probably recording everything that had been said this whole time. He turned a frantic gaze at Wade, cramming himself into his jeans as quickly as possible. Wade, _the_ _bastard_ , was lounging comfortably on a stool, smirking.

"Aw, baby boy," he drawled, tapping his forefinger against his lips beneath the mask, "you know Daddy doesn't like it when you make promises you can't keep - it earns you a spanking." Wade looked absolutely thrilled by the furious squawk that garnered. Peter flung a sock at him for lack of anything else readily available, stuffing his foot into his sneaker without. Wade chuckled darkly. "Maybe several spankings, baby boy," Wade stood to tower over Peter, crowding him against the table, "you're being _very_ naughty."

A cool, diffuse voice interrupted, seeming somewhat disapproving. 

"I could call you a cab," the AI du jour supplied, "if you'd like to continue this conversation elsewhere."

"That'd be great, Hal 9000," Wade chirped, swooping in to pick Peter up. This was one of his favourite things to do, but it rankled Peter in a way that it didn't usually. The younger man glowered fiercely. Wade beamed through his mask, strutting out of the medical bay as though he'd just won a trophy. "Thanks for the look over, doc," Wade tossed over his shoulder at a very flustered Bruce, "we gotta get some things taken care of! Don't wait up, and stay out of the cookie jar."

Wade, ever so generously, allowed Peter to climb into the car under his own power, smiling indulgently. He did, however, glue himself to Peter's side as soon as he could. 

"Okay, so," he began, "I'm thinking four days, three nights, all-inclusive package at Disney World." Peter groaned in response, already knowing how it would turn out. Twenty dollar churros, and quickies behind shrubs. "We'll need to go shopping first, of course," he continued, ignoring his boyfriend's plaintive grumbling, "since you nixed the Poké-gear, I'm thinking a Thor hoodie- " 

Peter sighed, leaning his head back against the seat, and letting Wade's pontificating wash over him. It would be an interesting week if nothing else. He needed a nap. And then an absolutely massive iced mocha. "Ooh! And Hello Kitty socks!" Wade's voice broke through his private planning. On second thought, that gargantuan coffee needed several shots of espresso. He rolled his head to glance at Wade.

"Yes, dear," he deadpanned. Though Peter couldn't help but smile at the little squeal of delight that eked its way through Wade's mask. An interesting week to be certain, then. 

**Author's Note:**

> This took an absolute eon to write and I'm tired of looking at it. So, uh... here y'all go. But comments and kudos are totally welcome - they help make my raspberry bush grow 😊  
> Health, wealth, and happiness 💚


End file.
